Migrating some old Blog Posts – From December 2019

Christmas.

 It’s that time of year again, that time which makes everyone a little more thoughtful and if we are brutally honest; on the whole we are not thoughtful towards others but more ourselves.
“Where has the year gone, I’m another year older and what have I achieved this year? Have I wasted a year? Do I feel guilty I’ve not spent time with family? Where is life going, am I going to be alone or bored this Christmas? Give up booze for January? ” And so on….

The fact we are actually able to ask such mundane questions of ourselves really means that we are the lucky ones, fortunate that the only things we have to worry about are not life threatening, life changing or of other lives ending. Sounds morbid I know, but as I look back during this 20th year of being paralysed; 20 years ago, this month, was so very different. Right now, I get to sit back and watch shit Christmas movies with the wife on the sofa, in my warm and cosy house, looking at the Christmas tree, decorations and the dog Dave flat-out under the tree. It’s paradise in its own way, if I wasn’t writing this and thinking about it, I probably wouldn’t appreciate it as much as I do.

On this day 20 years ago it was exactly 2 months to the day that I had broken my neck, I was still fighting for my life in intensive care and went to sleep every night alone, staring at the same ceiling I’d been staring at for 6 weeks. I can factually tell you from records that yesterday 1999 I was re-diagnosed with chest infections which were filling my lungs, that were barely just re-inflated after collapsing. Tomorrow 1999 I will go down to theatre for investigations on my throat and chest, be confirmed with aggressive MRSA flooding my lungs, like pneumonia. Then, post recovery for the first time since breaking my neck, I’ll be moved onto a regular ward with no ‘one-to-one’ care, to free up my bed in intensive care, for the busy festive period. I remember the emotions today, 20 years ago, of just how desperate life felt, how bleak things looked because every step I moved forward, I moved two steps back.

Yet, I get to sit here now in comfort, feeling all festive surrounded by people and a dog that love me, with no worries that may be tomorrow will be my last. I said in my first ‘20 Years a Ripple’ Blog that “we cannot be who we were, but who we are is who we were” and that “people don’t change, we grow”. I still hold the pain and desperation of this day, 20 years ago, like it was last year… Not intentionally, but it was that traumatic it will never leave me. It makes me who I am today and gives me a sense of empathy and thoughtfulness that I didn’t have before. I was scared, desperate, depressed, lonely and incredibly ill, on this day 20 years before today. Here I now sit having come to pass every fear I had, witnessed the fruition of every life situation I once feared I couldn’t live past. I am not ill anymore, I’m not lonely anymore and I sit here with my hot chocolate typing this blog, with not a worry in the fucking world. And that’s because I am not who I used to be, but I am still, somewhere deep down, who I was in those darker days. The clichés of life go through the generations, each blaming the one before, for the mistakes of today. All of our life experiences, the fuck ups, the successes, the overcoming or succumbing to a perceived fear; are all our teachers and lessons rolled into one thing: That Time keeps ticking, the world keeps spinning. Like it or not, we turn with it until we turn no more, it’s how we fill the ‘in-between’ that makes it worthwhile!          

And lets’ not forget…! It was December 1999 and the bloody Millennium man!!! Turn of the century, everyone talking about where they are going to be on NYE 1999… So much of my life was partying and having fun that it was a cruel twist of fate, Sod’s law, that the greatest party of the century was destined for others, and not me. I felt so jealous laying in that bed, so guilty that not just my millennium was ruined because of me but my family friends and partners was, too. “Fuck it was an unpleasant feeling, man!”.

Hey! And what happened to the millennium bug? (Google it if your less than 25 years old) Some of you reading this may not even have been born yet! But just like today, in old traditional media newspapers, gossip magazines – fake news prevailed, we were fed the same kind of bullshit we get fed today and are meant to believe, as gospel truth. Back then it was “Planes will fall from the sky, computers the world over will crash causing security risks to countries and businesses, as soon as the clock turns 000”. Of course, people made vast sums of money from spreading that fear and just like our recent UK election, the new online media’s of the world have taken over spreading lies, controversy and spreading fear for personal gain, or for more likes of their media posts, or viewers of their telly program.

If you’re reading this and you’re young enough to not see through the bull crap and therefore worry about what the future will bring. If you really think the world is going to end tomorrow because of climate change (They were telling us in school 30 years ago that in 30 years we would run out of oil), the climate is changing – but the world isn’t imminently ending as they’d have you worry about. If you’re at an impasse as to whether you should ask that girl or boy out on a date, for fear of rejection. If you literally think you will go to prison or be homeless because you have gone over the limit on your 2nd credit card, or maybe still have the innocence to believe that life is not hard and shitty but consequence free and easy; then I’ll tell you this:

No matter what happens – You will wake up tomorrow, the world will still be outside your front door, time won’t stand still, troubles will not just go away unless you deal with them and if you don’t, you’ll drag them forward into who you are going to become… So, who do you want to become? The person that hides from their shit, or the person that deals with it and people can rely on? Are you the brave that just goes for it and inspires others, or the coward that talks themselves out of everything and watches from the side-line? Are you going to be the one that people call up for a good night out, or the one that they avoid because well, you’re just “Meh!” ?

One day my friends, you will be who you were… Don’t make who you were not who you want to be, that’s when people start living with regrets and in my book, the secret to a happy life is to have none! Learn your lessons, grow from them, appreciate them. No matter what, you will find a way, things will improve, talking to someone always helps.

This Christmas learn to have a little appreciation for others, too. I’m fortunate enough to have lived through tragic times, experienced the pain I know so many are going through this Christmas, lying in hospital beds, worlds ending, no lights at the end of tunnels. Their is always a light, of some sort, at the end of each tunnel – it’s up to you to learn to find it and appreciate it, no matter how insignificant it may seem. There is always someone worse off than you, remember that. I spent a good 15 Christmases either on my own, travelling or with Mum n Dad (my own choice). I know how tough it can be when all you see are promotions and adverts promoting family life, wife’s, partners, kids – when may be you have none of those. But don’t let it get you down, try and bring your own magic to the day – even if it’s just you and the olds and sweet FA to do.
Try. 

I’m not religious, couldn’t give a flying fuck about the holy ghost, Jesus, God or all that mumbo jumbo – ‘he’ doesn’t get me out of bed in the morning, I bloody do! But I do love Christmas, I love seeing the joy that Decorations, Christmas films and presents brings my wife. I love that it’s an excuse to see family that I do not see enough, you may enjoy it simply because of time off from work. But just take 5 minutes, sit there with a stiff drink in your hand and raise a glass to those less fortunate, those that roam the earth no more and to those that do what you can’t be arsed to do; and help those more in need at Christmas.

Yes, you cynical wankers, Christmas is a gimmick, it’s big business, it’s a farce blah blah. But just like life – don’t be a humbug, be the best damn Christmas that you can be… And let’s deal with that 2nd credit card in the New Year!

Happy Fucking Christmas!