Migrating some old Blog Posts – From November 2019

20 Years a Ripple!         

   

At 21 Years old 16^Th October 1999 whilst on holiday in Majorca with ex fiance I broke my neck, shattering my c6 vertebrae leaving me with paralysis below the chest, and to a degree, in my arms and hands. I lost my home, my ability to do my job and provide for myself, terminated a pregnancy because of it and ultimately lost my woman, too. I am more fortunate than some, less fortunate than others, I can still feel everything below the chest except pain and temperature, I can’t walk and I’ve always got back ache, it takes me forever to do anything, I’m constantly dropping things off my lap and struggling to pick them up, I have to do catheters when I need to wee, use suppositories to crap, everything is a mission and every time I go anywhere I am discriminated against. Am I happy?

Fuck yeah, of course I am! ‘20 Years a Ripple’ aka 20 years of being crippled. The anniversary’s pass by each year and most less significant than the ones before. Indeed, in recent years I have chosen to make better memories on the 16^th of October and celebrate a different meaning to the date; but 20 years a ripple I cannot leave unmarked.

In this ever changing world we learn and we understand more, without question society is more tolerant, more understanding, more self-aware of things we never used to be, like hidden disabilities, mental health, ‘gender neutrality’ or whatever the fuck that is?! It’s fair to say and in light of mental health awareness week last week, I of course have had my fair share of mental health issues; from depression to body dysmorphia, from wicked highs to crushing lows; I’ve pretty much lived through them all (surprisingly!), and still do. I’m shocked I made it these 20 years and this year is more significant than others, why? Because next year when I celebrate this anniversary, I will officially have been on this earth paralysed and, in a wheelchair, longer than I was ever walking this earth! And that’s a fucking ‘trip’ to think about, let me tell you.

Through the years I have self-medicated with drugs and alcohol to get me through a day, I’ve been clean and represented my country at sport, I’ve been a complete fucking selfish asshole but will always do charity work and help people, I’ve strived to change the world and succeeded in charity, but failed in business, I’m a contradiction, but will always try to be better. Fact is, we are all someone to somebody and all no one to nearly everybody, but we have to make a mark on this planet otherwise ask yourself; what is the point? We are here for such a short stint and if we cannot look back at the brief moment in time we roam this earth and think “well I tried to make a difference”, then we’re a waste of space. 20 Years a Ripple and what have I learned more than anything? People are cruel, life is hard and never gets easier, but I give back through volunteering and charity, it makes me feel a whole load better about myself.

Well I will tell you another thing and bringing us back to mental health… “It’s ok not to be ok” are wise words and encouraging someone to talk, is a problem shared and a problem halved.

But the truth is; it’s not going to be ok, you’re not going to get over it, time is not a fucking ‘healer’ and pain and loss will always be with you, sorry to burst your bubble. All that happens is that life goes on, and on, there’s nothing you can do about that, you can’t stop it, you can’t hide from it, you just fucking man up and deal with it. Some hurts cut too deep, some wounds change you forever. I’m compassionate and cry at the silliest of things, yet I’m cold empty and sometimes cruel when people need me not to be. When you deal with your shit you learn how to handle your shit, you learn how to put things into boxes in your head, you compartmentalise, you bury things, you live with things, you make peace with grievances, you understand how to keep those things close, because they make you who you are, but far enough away that you do not allow it to effect your nearest and dearest, or your life in general. Who you were cannot be who you are, but who you are is who you were, we don’t change, we grow.

If you’re one of those people out there that thinks you can change someone – you can’t. You’re a fool for thinking so. You can certainly show people another way, but you will never change them. They are who they were when you met them, to expect them to be anything else is a ‘you’ problem not a ‘them’ problem.

So, I mark my 20^th ‘crippleversary’ with a blog post and a promise to do more, be more, start something new, as always. Thank you to the real friends that have always been there, to the ones I don’t see enough, and to the family that live and Resting in Peace. xx